Raw.Real.Recovered.

So Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me That 40 Is Basically Puberty in Reverse?

Listen, if someone had told me that turning 40 meant my body was going to be running on a three-part cycle of wanting sex, craving sugar, and needing naps, I would have saved up all my damn energy for this.

Seriously. No one warned me. I spent my 20s and 30s running around like a lunatic, stressing over dumb shit, chasing the wrong people, using way too many drugs and trying to find energy for anything remotely enjoyable. And then BOOM—40 hits, and suddenly my body is like:

• “Hey, remember how you used to struggle to get in the mood? Yeah, not a problem anymore. You’re basically a teenage boy now.”

• “You know what you need? Carbs. Sugar. Peanut butter Oreos. Don’t question it, just obey.”

• “Also, naps. Lots of naps. You can’t function without naps now.”

Like…what kind of sick cosmic joke is this?!

And let’s talk about the big O. Because WHAT THE HELL. All those years of trying so hard, focusing, stressing, chasing it like it was some kind of mystical unicorn—only for my 40-year-old body to be like, “Oh, you mean this? Easy. Done.”

WHERE WAS THIS INFORMATION IN MY YOUTH?! I would have taken better care of myself! Conserved energy! Stopped wasting time on mediocre situationships with men who didn’t know what they were doing!

Instead, here I am, worn out, semi-responsible, and slightly bitter that no one gave me the 40s survival guide.

So, if you’re younger than 40, consider this your heads-up:

1. Stop stressing. You’re gonna get better at all the fun stuff.

2. Eat the damn cake. Your body’s gonna crave it later anyway.

3. Learn to love naps now, because in a few years, they won’t be optional.

And if you’re already in your 40s? Cheers, my friend. We’re all in this wild, sugar-fueled, nap-needing, sexually-awakened ride together.

Now excuse me while I go have a snack and a nap before planning my next…activity