Raw.Real.Recovered.

Let’s be real for a second: recovery isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. There are days when I look around, see the mess of life, and think, “Damn, I really gave up drinking for this?” I mean, come on—there’s still laundry piling up, the kids are arguing over coke, and I’m over here trying not to lose my shit on them. What exactly did I trade in for a “better life” again?

Some days, sobriety feels like a joke. I gave up my old coping mechanism, the one that numbed everything, and what do I have now? A mind that’s wide awake and fully aware of how chaotic everything is. A mind that remembers everything I’ve been through, and sometimes I swear, it’s the worst kind of hangover— emotionals ugh.

I mean, if I could have just stayed blissfully numb for a little longer, maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with the messiness of life—or the fact that I’m still working through old trauma, daily stress, and the reality that adulting is a joke nobody warned me about. No one told me sobriety was going to come with a side of real life.

But here’s the thing—every time I think I’m done, that I can’t take another day of adulting without numbing, I remind myself why I started. Not because it was the “right thing to do,” but because my life was a trainwreck, and if I wanted to be here for my kids, to actually be present, I had to give up the old way of thinking. I had to choose something better, even if it didn’t always feel like it was paying off in the moment.

Truth is, the mess, the chaos, the stress—it’s all still here. But I am, too. Recovery might not make everything perfect, but it makes me present, it makes me aware, and it gives me the strength to say, “Yeah, this shit sucks, but I’m not giving up on myself.” Not today maybe Tomorrow

Yeah so, some days, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. But on the good days, when I can see the small wins, I know it’s worth it. Even if it’s just one messy, chaotic day at a time.