Raw.Real.Recovered.

Look, I never claimed to be Parent of the Year. In fact, my parenting skills are questionable at best. I’m basically winging it with a mix of trial, error, sarcasm, and prayers that my kids turn out semi-functional despite my influence.

But sometimes—sometimes—words just fly out of my mouth before I can hit the parental filter. And if you’ve ever raised a teenager, you know the struggle. There’s only so much patience a person can have before logic and calm go out the window, and you’re left saying things that probably aren’t in the “Healthy Parenting” handbook.

So, in case you were wondering what not to say to your 14-year-old son, allow me to present a solid list of questionable (but honestly, sometimes necessary) parenting moments:

1. “Your girlfriend is crazy. You need to find a new one.”

• Look, I know we’re supposed to be supportive, but when your kid is dating someone whose emotional stability makes a rollercoaster look tame, it’s hard to keep quiet. I tried. I failed.

2. “You shouldn’t be up all night with your toxic girlfriend who’s trying to kill herself. She needs to be committed.”

• Heavy? Yes. Necessary? Also yes. Because my 14-year-old is not a crisis counselor, and we do not do codependency training in this house.

3. “Stop being an asshat. What the fuck were you thinking?”

• Classic parenting moment when they do something so mind-blowingly stupid, all rational responses exit stage left.

4. “Kick my car one more time, and you’ll be walking.”

• Because apparently, I now live in a world where a 14-year-old thinks he can just kick the back seat . Do I look like I have Uber written on my forehead?

5. “The house is that way.”

• Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Just a solid point in the right direction when they start acting like rent isn’t due in respect and basic human decency.

So yeah, probably not winning any gentle parenting awards anytime soon. But hey, we’re surviving, and that counts for something, right? I’m sure I could keep going, but we’re gonna leave it at this.